High up in his castle, under flashes of lightning, he craves a little something to pair with his toothsome, treasured treat. The Count is all about deep, dark indulgence-his bowl is filled with both chocolate AND marshmallows. He’s gonna guzzle Goldschläger straight from the bottle, and hope he can get a buzz on before the little bandits arrive. If he could just find a dark dive bar to hide in, maybe he could enjoy a few hours of peace and some cheap drinks. There’s a thieving band of kindergartners hunting him down to steal away the one thing in the world he can call his own: his magic charms. You’ll find him relaxing with the mellow, wheaty goodness of a hef. Even though Kitty is constantly trying to steal his Smacks, Dig ‘Em doesn’t want to get hopped up-he just wants to smack you a high five and chill out, man. No frog has ever been so radical, so retro, or so in love with honeyed puffs of wheat. How else could he stay so upbeat? Dig ‘Em Frog: Hefeweizen Tony pounds vodka and Red Bull like it’s water. Any underdog kid who crunches on Frosted Flakes finds the inner power to get back on the court and triumph. Let’s face it: he’s a bit of a bro, but he’s also a motivational speaker with the grrreatest two-word catch phrase ever. Good ol’ Tony loves sports, positive energy, and the sweetness of winning. Trix soaks his sorrows in goblets of sangría, because fruit floating in wine is the closest he can get to Trix floating in milk. They ostracize, humiliate, and starve him. But those xenophobic children won’t allow it, claiming that Trix are for kids-not lowly rabbits. A failed con artist and monomaniac who wants only one thing: to eat his beloved Trix cereal. Besides, his name is Buzz…he’s cliché enough already. That’s why Buzz goes for the nutty, surprising goodness of amaretto.
This intrepid insect lures us in with both honey and nuts, which sets his recipe apart from every other honey-laden cereal out there. It seems obvious: Buzz drinks a Bee’s Knees, a Stinger, or some honey wine, right? Wrong. Rumor has it that his cinnamon porter is particularly tasty. One part breadmaker, one part crazed mad scientist, you can bet he’s got a solid home-brew setup in his basement. Wendell the Baker: Home-Brewed BeerĬinnamon Toast Crunch has gone through an array of great advertising campaigns, but Wendell the Baker will forever remain in our memories. This bear definitely sips on an Old Fashioned between songs-and between bites. He’s also a woodsy, burly guy who can take down anyone in a fist fight-after a few handfuls of Golden Crisp. Sugar Bear is a smooth, jazzy singer with a buttery baritone voice, straight out of a swanky cocktail lounge. He’s soaked in absinthe, lost in the hallucinations of little green fairy children and cocoa dust. When he tries to focus on something else, tiny kids appear, dancing like demons, taunting him off the cereal wagon. It’s hard to say whether Sonny has an attention disorder or a full-blown addiction, but one thing’s for sure: when Cocoa Puffs are around, that’s all he can think about. That sort of seafaring Parisian decadence calls for a few bottles of White Burgundy. And here’s a fun fact: his cereal is supposed to taste like brown sugar and butter over rice. In fact, that blue outfit and cocked hat conjure a French naval captain. You might think the Cap’n is reaching for rum, but he’s no pirate. They love their light-as-air, easy-eating cereal, the kind you can have five bowls of and not feel full.
Three skinny dudes with flouncy hair, quirky hats, and funky thrift-store style. Sam drinks a Pimm’s Cup, chock-full of fruity goodness and English tradition. He only follows his nose to the fruitiest flavors, tracking down multi-colored loops like a rainbow-beaked Sherlock Holmes. But unlike his Irish cousin, this British bird isn’t after a pint of dry stout. Much like the Guinness Toucan, our man Sam hails from the U.K. Still, whether we picture these sugary saints of cereal toasting to their neon-hued successes of the past, or clutching to a bottle like it holds the last drops of their careers, the question is: what are their drinks of choice? Toucan Sam: Pimm’s Cup Some might be in a bar, nursing a breakfast beer and fighting the tears of defeat. Some are probably in therapy, nursing their wounded egos. The heyday of cereal box heroes as television superstars is over, and that’s got to be really depressing for them.
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